A Much Needed Reminder

So, yesterday on my way home from work I was talking to my friend about the pet fish I have in my life. How that came up in conversation is not important, let's just say the convo started out talking about ferrets.

Anywho it got me talking about a very dear to my heart pet fish, Penelope. She was the best pet fish a girl could ask for. She was also a very special fish in many ways. She was a beautiful red beta fish I got when I was 11 years old. She was chill and wasn't very feisty unless I was trying to take her out of her bowl to clean it. She loved swimming through her rock formation and yes like a loser I would talk to her and she would listen. When we moved from Flowering Grove to Goose Creek she came with us. I moved down into the basement and it was really cold down there. So in the best interest of Penelope I asked my little brother to keep her in his room upstairs. He agreed and even agreed to feed her for me. So I would visit her in his room and clean her bowl out. But soon life got the best of me and it had been a weekish since I had gone to visit her, so I walked into Zachary's room and there she was floating belly up in her bowl. Hysteria set in. I was inconsolable. Apparently Zachary had neglected to feed dear Penelope for a week. And the poor girl had starved to death. So, my father in his loving way took Zachary into his room and they prayed for my fish. And God brought her back to life. It was a Lazarus moment right there in my brother's bedroom. There was much rejoicing in the Collins household that day!

The Lord cares. He cares so deeply for us. I mean the man died a horrific death on a cross for us. He was God made flesh and yet he still cared about my 14 year old self and my beloved pet fish who had died under mine and my brother's neglect. If that is not something to get excited about then I don't know what is. This story was a good reminder for me during this time of uncertainty and feeling alone. I sometimes feel neglected and therefore isolate myself. But, God cares. He hasn't left my side, He hasn't removed His hand from my life. He is just waiting for me to ask Him for help. Which for some strange reason is always so difficult for me to do. God has called me to live, here and now. To not hold back, to such a time as this. It's not easy, trust me but it's doable and not hopeless. I needed this reminder this week. Thanks God!

"I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received." Ephesians 4:1

A Fortnight

I have been a resident of Gainesville, GA for two whole entire weeks. That's 14 days, 1/2 a month, 1/26 of a year.

I have a bit of a routine now. Monday through Thursday I go to work. Come home hang with the roomies. Go to bed. And repeat. Fridays I use to fundraise. Making phone calls to, Skyping with, and emailing my supporters and potential supporters. I like that there is routine. I like having some semblance of structure in my life.

But, if I can be honest with you all for just a few, it is still so hard. I'm still the new girl. I'm still trying to get used to not being able to kiss my family goodnight every night. I'm still working on getting a handle on not being able to see my besties whenever I want. I'm still finding my way around town, getting used to higher gas prices up here. Everyday there is something new, and it sucks, pardon my French. 

I don't doubt that this is where God wants me. And I wasn't naive enough to think it was going to be super easy. But, I did underestimate just how hard this transition was going to be. Everyday I tell myself, "I just wanna go home." And then I hear that still small voice saying, "You are home for now and it's going to get better." It is real hard to listen to that voice and believe it, because of the pain I feel. But if I have nothing but what the Lord Almighty says then I still have it all. 

I promise I'll make my next post a little more happy. But, this is where I am right now.
Thank you all for your prayers and support during this time of transition and heartache. 

Holding onto this truth at the moment---> "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13 

OMG I'm a Grown-up!?

Tomorrow is my one week anniversary of moving to Gainesville, GA to work at Adventures in Missions. Crazy how one week has already flown by. This week has been really tough. I miss my friends like CA-RA-A-ZEE, and my family that much more! It just hit as my fingers are gliding across the key board how much I actually miss Mobile and all of it's inhabitants, all week I have been suppressing my emotions apparently because as I type this tears are streaming down my face! Oh how I long to be home with my family sitting around the dinner table with non-stop chatter about everyones' days. But, as hard as it is to be here sitting on my couch alone I know this is God's plan. Why do His plans have to be so heart wrenching sometimes?! I know His plans are good and I know He loves me and I know He sees the pain I am in. I also know that growth is painful most of the time and that in order for Him to show me something wonderful it means stepping out in faith and trusting that no matter how far away He seems, He is right there beside me, holding me and guiding me.

Ok so enough with the boo-who-ing, here's the other side of living away from home.

Life out on my own is weird. I come home from work to a usually empty apartment, that I live in and pay rent for. When did I become so grown-up!? It feels like I graduated high school yesterday but, here I am 23 and paying rent. I buy my own groceries too, no more grocery fairy.(mom, thanks for that) Though all this might would make someone feel old it makes me feel like a child. I don't feel old enough to be doing this, like I'm playing house or something. Don't get me wrong it's fun and my roommates are great! It's just weird. That is probably the best word to describe all of this. WEIRD

Please keep me in your prayers. I need them now more than ever. This whole situation has two outcomes. One, I stay sad and unable to get a handle on my emotions and completely fall apart unable to be 100% me. Two, I suck it up and move on and things go great, I'm able to be 100% me and make lots of friends and really flourish here in Gainesville. Obviously I'm hoping for the second one but that is going to require a lot from me and that's the thing, it all falls upon my shoulders. No one can force me which kinda freaks me out because in a way I am totes ok with being a hermit with no friends, it's easy, I'm good at that.

Thank you all for reading the vomit that is how I feel about all this new stuff. Hope it made sense at least a little bit.

In the words of my bestie who I miss so much, "Peace and hair grease."

From One Adventure to Another Adventure(s)

Attention please, attention please! I have an announcement. Drum roll please...(insert the rolling of a snare drum)......(insert cymbal crash) I AM MOVING! You heard it here first ladies and gents, in just a few short weeks I will be moving to Gainesville, GA.

The day after returning home from Ireland I received a call from Adventures in Missions(AIM) which was basically an interview to work for their Encounter department. And two days later I received another call saying that I got the job! Yay! (insert happy dance) A week later I put in my three weeks at my job. And here I am a week and a half more to go at Twist and about three and a half till I move. And things are ca-ra-a-zee! Life is moving at lightening speed, and I just wish it would slow down and at least let me smell the roses one more time. But, there's no time for that. I have to find supporters and find roommates and figure out an official moving day and host a couple of fundraisers and still work at my job and celebrate family birthdays(we have a lot in August) and find time to spend with friends to make some lasting memories. I'm exhausted just from typing all that out.

Ok, so you might have seen me sneak in "find supporters" and if not, shame, go back and read more carefully. This new job with AIM is a support based position. Meaning I have to find loving, generous people to support me on a monthly basis. Basically I am becoming a missionary! Crazy!! I would have NEVER in a million years thought that I would become a missionary. But, thats the neat part of this, God sometimes calls the unlikely and those who feel under qualified. I've heard it said, "God doesn't call the equipped, He equips the called." So, here's to hoping He gets to that equipping part real soon. Jk jk, well not really but, kinda. I feel more equipped than I did a month ago, heck if I had been offered this position a month ago I'm not too sure I would have accepted. But as I've said before, Ireland changed me. Ok well God changed me, but it took getting me to follow Him halfway around the world. I am so grateful that God has chosen me for this job. I'm actually excited about the support based part, it means that I will have to learn to fully rely on Him for EVERYTHING. There is no, doing this in my own strength. It's scary, yet exhilarating and freeing to think about. It's not on me whether things go right or wrong, not to say I can sit idly by while God works His "magic" because that would not make me a very good steward. But, so long as I am in accordance with His word and being obedient to what He has told me, the weight of all of this is not on my shoulders. Can I get an Amen, a layup, a something here people!?

So here is my shameless plug. If you would like to support this new endeavor I would be so open to that. My number one support request is prayer. Trust me I need lots of it and so does my family during this transitional period of life. And coming in at a close second for requested support is financial support. If you would please prayerfully consider supporting me monthly or with a onetime gift I would be most appreciative. I will post my AIM email and account info as soon as I get it. But in the meantime if you have questions you can comment on this blog or email or call or Facebook or snail mail me. Thanks y'all!

So, here's to life and it's adventure seeking nature. And here's to God and His adventure giving nature. And here's to my new Adventure (literally). 

Still Learning

Home. It's strange how such a familiar place can seem so unfamiliar. How you can feel almost uncomfortable in your own house. It is strange but it's how I feel. Coming home has been filled with so many emotions! Sad, that I had to leave my team; scared, of decisions I have to make; excited, to see my family and friends; and ready, to sleep in my own bed. Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy to be home and am so ready for this next chapter of life.

I think why I feel so strange is because, living in Ireland with the same 12 people for three weeks had become normal and easy to some extent. I could have done it for a few more weeks and been perfectly happy. For three weeks I was living in constant 24/7 community. I'm not saying that those three weeks were filled with rainbows and butterflies, trust me they weren't. There were times when just putting on a happy face while being miserable inside would have been much easier, I even tried it. But being in constant community doesn't allow that. Constant community requires that you call people out, you challenge people, and you give a wee cuddle when needed. And you do ALL of that in LOVE. Community requires some sacrifice from every member of said community. It means you love even the ones who make it difficult to do so. It means meeting people where they are, no matter where you think they should be. It's a commitment of the highest regard. And it's how we were designed to live.

So, I think that's why it is hard to be home, I've been plucked out of situation of constant community where I was able to be 100% me and thrown back into one where I've never been 100% me. I have been half arse-ing my way through community and then get upset when 100% isn't given back to me. I have been wanting sacrifice from others but have been unwilling to give it myself.

Talk about a slap upside the face! I was just trying to figure out how to say how I feel like I give 100% and no one else does. And then God was like hold your horses there little lady, remember that thing you've been working on, pride, does it ring a bell?! Man, God is so good and I am so grateful He stopped me from making a complete arse of myself.

Lesson: Pride within community is like oil and vinegar. Mind = blown!! #boom

My Compass is Fixed and Ready to Guide

One day!! That's right people I only have one day till I begin the trek home. And I've been freaking out. I just don't want to go home. It's not that in leaving Ireland I'll be leaving "home" and where God has called me, and it's not that my home situation is a mess and so I don't want to go back. Neither of those things are true. It's merely for the fact of the unknown. I honestly have had no idea what I would do when I go home. Yes, I have a job back home, but it's not one I plan to keep forever. And, yes I have all my family and friends back home and miss them like crazy! But, I don't really feel called to home anymore. I need a fresh start, I need new surroundings, I just need to be me. And it has taken going around the world to realize that. These past three weeks here in beautiful Ireland have really changed me. It's not some radical thing to where I'm moving to Ireland as soon as I go home, or just not going home at all. But, the Lord has really touched me and spoke to me things about my future. He has confirmed things that I heard Him speak years ago. He has opened doors to new and exciting potential adventures. I feel refreshed, renewed, and loved. He does have plans for my life and they are amazing and He is revealing them in His timing which is always perfect.

Oh girl this is totes the best team EVER!

So now I am pumpedish to go home. I don't feel like I have to know every little detail of what is to come. That relying on God is enough, ha who would have thunk it! The ish refers to leaving my home girls from my team. This team of 12 beautiful, strong, and lovely girls have impacted me more than words can describe, and I am forever grateful. So, here's to you Ireland, land of the green and rain, you have changed me forever!

Totes my new bestie!

Beauty in the Sickness

For the past 5ish days I have been sick. I have been coughing my head off, so much so that my abdomen is in some serious pain. After a meeting on Monday night, well actually all through it I was sweating and burning up hot. Feeling as though I might pass out my leader told me to bundle up and go to bed. So, I went upstairs took a few swigs from my bottle of cough syrup, popped a few ibuprofen and hit the hay. I tossed and turned all night, the inside of my sleeping bag felt like Hell. If someone had cracked an egg on me it probably would have fried! (Note: this is not all that exaggerated) 

I felt weak and upset that I was sick and even more upset that I was showing weakness. You see I have this little problem called PRIDE! And that little bugger has gotten me into lots of trouble over my 23 years on Earth. It causes me to sometimes talk down to people, to use condescending tones with my parents, and it also has a tendency to make me over extend myself to the point of utter exhaustion where I just want to quit any and every thing I was a part of. The weird part of my pride is, I don't have a whole ton to be proud of. I'm not putting myself down, but if you look at my life and then measure it with my pride you'll see one of them falls short. The few things I have accomplished in life were not even my doing but God's, if anyone should be proud it's Him. I mean His pronouns are capitalized for goodness sake. But that's the beauty I have come to discover, that the Sovereign Lord of all, creator of the universe, and Almighty God is not not a proud individual. So why in the heck do I feel the need to be!? 

He's teaching me that it's ok, and maybe even better if I don't know everything that's going on. That it's ok to be weak, because it is in my weakness, that His awesome power is able to shine through. If I fully rely on Him and plans change and things go "wrong" it's all good cause I'm following Him and leaning on Him and because of that I will NEVER fall flat. I may scrape my knee, or break a bone but I will never fall out of His grace and mercy and love. Come on people that is something to shout about, am I right? 

I'm not saying I have it all figured out. I'm not even saying I have some of it figured out. But, I'm learning. I'll be honest, right before I sat down to write this I had an inner battle with my pride and it almost won, but the Lord is good and He gave me one more nudge to put me back on the right path. 

P.S. Mom and Dad don't freak out, I'm not dying. I've decided that if on a scale from 1-10 I get to a -3 I'll get Ashley to take me to the hospital. Right now I at a 5-6ish which is a huge improvement from 24 hours ago!